I often find myself in a place where I can never tell what to listen to. This place is feverish, with pink and red surrounding me everywhere. There are solid white beams that shoot up and curve over me from what feels like hundreds of feet above. My feet squish against this pink and fat like substance which oozes this yellow-ish green clear liquid as I move.
As you would expect, my first thought is: ‘Where am I?’.
But just as you would also expect, there is no answer. There is no voice, no parent, no friend, to tell me where to go.
And so I just sit there, on some squishy pink mound, all alone. As time goes on I can start to feel the nails inside my body, the nails I use to scrape for information, scratching away at the inside of my skull. I start to see things I’ve never seen before. There is this dark, almost purplish like thread enwrapping my body like a coil. The thread goes around every limb, every joint, every facet of my body, until it consumes every last pore on my skin. White dust starts to fall like snow in the land around me, and I wonder: ‘What am I?’.
But there is still no answer. It might sound ridiculous, but I even push my earlobes out with my thumbs; maybe then someone will give me an answer.
As this white powder culminates on the floor, sticking to the pink gushy ground, I grow restless. I don’t know how long it’s been, but I feel like I haven’t slept in years. The more I look at my limbs, which are now enclosed in some hardened black rock-like substance, the more I can’t remember what I look like. I haven’t seen my face in so long. ‘Who am I?’ I think, as this white powder continues to fall.
My hearing has been heavily constrained at this point. I can’t even see, my face has been completely covered like the rest of my limbs. I scream against the wall of black clay that covers my face, looking for answers: “Where am I? What am I? Who am I?…Where am I going to go?”
Eventually, my body just falls flat. It can longer handle the weight of the slowly cementing black rock. And I lay there, feeling nothing, seeing nothing, only hearing one thing: myself.
At some point I must give up. I don’t care if I stay here for the rest of my life, but I just want to remember who I am. “How long has it been?”, I ask myself, “Since I last could remember what I looked like?”
It’s become hard to breath in my self-imposed rock mummification, and with every gust of air I let out I start to feel a spike rushing through my skin, and dragging the rock masque that surrounds my body as if it were a needle running through the strongest elastic in the world. “Am I hurting anyone?” I yell out, but of course no one answers back.
Sometimes the spikes slow down, sometimes they increase, sometimes they stop, and sometimes I still speak even though it means they’ll stab through me. At this point, I’ll beg “Where am I?” I squeeze the words out like soldiers crawling through trenches, “Who am I?” I shake like a dog clinging onto life, “What am I?!” I scream, and suddenly things start hitting the ground with a big boom. I have no idea what they are; maybe they’re rocks made out of the material this cage surrounding me is.
Nothing changes though. I am still stuck in this shell. This dark, venomous shell. I am still asking the same questions over and over; they fly around my head like birds. There is still no one to answer.
One day, I let out a weak, “Please.” Every letter feels like it’s made of paper. Cutting through my layers of skin as they ride up through my throat. I feel a hot liquid slowly trickling onto me. But I speak anyway:
“I just want someone here who I could listen to.”
Hi Matthew,
I found your post so interesting and so unlike anything I have ever read before. As I read the post I kept thinking, who is asking these questions and what is it? The use of the extended metaphor throughout the post really kept me on my toes with the solid white beams that possibly represent teeth and purple thread as veins…I think this was depicting a tongue that is all alone inside a mouth with no one around to answer their questions or guide them. I am not sure if I understand what everything represents but I think it would be really interesting to interpret the post like this. In doing so, it gives a weird twist on things and that is what drew me to this post. The way that I don’t fully understand what is going on intrigues me and leads to me reading it over and over thinking about all the possible meanings. One interpretation that I enjoyed was the underlying message: sometimes when we are in rough places, all we want is someone to guide us and help us along the way. It seems like there is some craving to be told who we are and what we are going to do with ourselves. The use of the various questions “Who am I?”, “Where am I?”, and “Where am I going to go?” gives the reader the feeling that there is a certain urgency to this being whatever it may actually be. We can feel the fear that this being is facing as it is all alone in a strange place. I appreciated how you mentioned that all the while this being is ignored and is not sure where they are or how they can escape, the question “Am I hurting anyone?” is asked. That stood out to me, because the whole time the post is only focusing on the well-being of the one asking the questions, but here it brings up the well-being of others as well. Sometimes when people go through difficult situations it can (understandably) be hard to see past the self and realize that others might be going through obstacles as well.
I really did enjoy reading this, and I hope I didn’t interpret this too far off from what you were trying to convey through the post.
Best,
Rebecca
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I am so sorry for the late reply! I love your observations and your interest in my piece! I will answer some of your questions: the tongue is a great guess, when I was writing it I was more so imagining, abstractly, the inside of the body. The white beams are meant to be bones, and I guess I just imagine the inside and think of pink? like muscle? It’s not necessarily accurate, but that’s how It felt natural to write. Secondly I can see how you found your interpretation, and I think your interpretation of this being, like anyone, someone who is lost and is seeking guidance from someone else, but ultimately they feel desolate and isolated, works. It can very well mean that too. Personally, I wrote it about my experience with OCD, which is often mischaracterized to be about organization and cleanliness, but is actually just a doubt disorder. I often have extreme doubts about everything: including myself. To me this piece is about being stuck in myself, the craving my OCD leaves me with to find answers, but ultimately always feeling like I am getting farther away from certainty. But again, I think your interpretation makes sense too, and that this could apply to someone else without OCD too, because many people feel trapped in themselves at one point or another.
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