a bittersweet feeling floods me as i grasp my phone 

watching the ivory screen, and the 

passed highlighted in green letters 

both terrified 

and excited 

about what this means for the future 

who will i be?

who would you have been? 

would you have been a safe driver?

the kind that always remembers their turn signal?

never zones out behind the wheel?

a bittersweet feeling floods me as i grip the steering wheel 

on the way home from the test 

if i passed 

what does that mean for me?

who am i?

i’m constantly thinking of you when i’m behind the wheel 

i’m being the safe driver 

trying not to zone out when eerie thoughts of you 

unfold like a slew of freshly washed clothes that were never unpacked 

never dealt with and neatly placed in my drawers 

they were never unpacked. 

do i deserve this meridian of adulthood?

this badge that declares “she’s becoming a well-adjusted adult!”

is that what i am?

a well adjusted young adult?

is that who you would’ve been? 

it hurts that i’ll never know the answer to that question.

this pinnacle of young adulthood however

is one i want to share with you. 

this, and all the ones that follow