“Another day, another attack upon my people. Lovely. I’ve been making these arguments for so long that my statistics are out of date and I’m too lazy to look up new ones because honestly, they’re super depressing. What a grim milestone…

We’re in the wonderful state of Florida: The Sunshine State, God’s waiting room, the epicenter of America’s prescription drug problem, home of Florida Man. Fun fact: every state has its own Florida Men, but not every state has such robust public records laws. The reason Florida Man is a thing when Pennsylvania Man is not (and, believe me, it should) is because virtually every detail of every case is immediately available to the public – thus the story goes from ‘woman allegedly commits armed robbery at local business’ to ‘Florida crossdresser steals $5,000 of frozen hamburger patties to fund her pill addiction after throwing a juvenile Alligator through an Arby’s drive-thru window — suspect currently at large.’ See the difference?

Lately, there have been some particularly crazy laws being crafted here in Florida (and the South and Midwest generally) to attack trans people.

We could start with all the laws regarding trans people playing sports. That’s an issue. Okay, I could go on and on (and on!) about this topic. Trans people should be able to play sports. No one has ever transitioned to gain an unfair advantage in sports – if this was a thing, you would see countries forcing athletes to transition to win Olympic medals (which again has never happened). Sports (especially at a grade school level) are mostly about having fun and the camaraderie of being part of something bigger than yourself. While sports are important, we have bigger fish to fry.

So, (I can’t believe this needs to be said) literally no one is trying to teach kindergarteners about sex (be that gay sex or sex in general). Here is a hypothetical situation, in which a teacher explains to the class: Most people have a mom and a dad. Some people have two moms, and some have two dads. There isn’t anything wrong with that. Most boys grow up to be boys, most girls grow up to be girls. But some people identify as the other gender, or feel that neither gender adequately defines them. This is alright and perfectly normal.’ This teacher would now be out of a job. Because fewer teachers are exactly what America needs.

Somehow, queer people are pedophiles (one of the oldest homophobic stereotypes in the book) for acknowledging the existence of LGBTQ+ people? That’s an interesting law coming from a state with a congressman literally under FBI investigation for ‘allegedly’ paying minors for sex. Also, Republicans in Tennessee are in the process of legalizing child marriage. Projection much? But it gets worse.

Last year, the ‘Fairness in Woman’s Sports’ bill was signed into law. This innocuously titled bill, among other things, legalizes genital inspections by coaches in case of suspected trans student-athletes (suspected being defined as having received one anonymous report that a person might be trans). It also protects coaches from any legal consequences of their newfound responsibility. I mean, we would rather this than have a trans person play on our team? And these people then claim that LGBTQ+ people are the pedophiles here? Projection much?

Sidenote – if this was about fairness in women’s sports, then why do these bills force trans men to play on women’s teams? There was a case of a trans dude (who had been on testosterone for a while) who wrestled. He petitioned to be able to wrestle on the men’s team. The league refused and forced him to compete against women despite his objections and wishes. He won (because testosterone is basically steroids – [it takes about 6 months of hormone therapy to eliminate this advantage for trans women.] which is also why some restrictions are acceptable) obviously. So, is this about fairness in women’s sports or about discriminating against trans people? Seems like the latter disguised as the former to me, but what do I know?

But these bills are only the tip of the iceberg. There are now multiple states that have made it a felony (plus revocation of medical license) to provide medically necessary gender-affirming healthcare to minors. Let’s define gender-affirming care in the context of minors: it consists of therapy (reversible) and puberty blockers (also reversible) that delay the onset of puberty. During these years of medical supervision, the child gains lived experience as their correct gender. Only after all that, around age 16, is hormone therapy potentially started. There is not a single surgeon in this country that would perform any gender-affirming surgery on a minor.

Well, unless we’re talking about intersex people who often have gender reassignment surgery performed upon them as infants – usually to female because that surgery is easier. Imagine having your gender assigned based exclusively on whether it made some doctor’s job easier for a day! But that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms. I digress.

Back to transfolk. This is framed as preventing children from making irreversible, life-altering decisions before they are adults and can know better. Well, humans have a fully defined self-concept regarding their gender as early as 7-years old. Personally, I could have told you I was trans by kindergarten had I been given the words to do so. That’s what makes the ‘don’t say gay’ bill so damaging – it invisible-izes the concept of queerness and denies youths the knowledge to make informed decisions. I didn’t learn that trans people could exist as something other than serial killers/sex workers/jokes/fetishes until I was in my 20s. That’s pretty messed up, no?

Anyways, do you know what is an irreversible biological change? Puberty. I’ve spent hundreds of thousands of dollars undoing the damage of testosterone poisoning. Forcing a trans child to go through puberty is essentially the same thing as forcing a cis child to go on hormone therapy. So, tell me, is this about preventing children from experiencing irreversible biological changes without knowing the consequences, or about punishing trans people for existing? Seems like the latter disguised as the former.

Then you have additional states (Texas, Alabama, etc.) going the extra mile, and defining allowing a child to receive transition-related medical care (defined earlier as blockers and therapy) as child abuse, carrying decades of prison time for both parents and doctors, and sending the child to foster care. You have parents doing what is best (as agreed by all major medical, psychological, and human rights organizations) for their child, then Big Government comes in and ‘rescues’ the child from their dangerously caring family and sinisterly adequate medical care. That’s insane. Like, full stop – “

“Ma’am, this is an Arby’s,” interjects the crackly teenage voice through the staticky intercom. A car behind me honks, fully pulling me into the present situation. Several others followed his lead. Shoot, I did it again, didn’t I? I looked at myself in the rearview mirror and asked the same question I asked every morning – how the hell did I get here? In my cupholder were several mostly empty orange pill bottles with the childproof caps broken off in frustration; that explained a lot but not everything. In the passenger seat sat a 4-foot-long juvenile alligator with a hungry look in its eyes. Oh, don’t you give me those crocodile tears! I know the difference — Mama knows it’s all in the nose. Aww. How can I say no to that face?

“Oh. Umm… Gimme 5 tons of meat. Raw. And a medium fries.”

“One supersized number 6 combo coming up. What do you want to drink with that?”

“Uhhh… Coke?

I checked for my wallet. I swear I left it around here somewhere… Ugh. Damn the tiny pockets on these adorable jeans. Do you have any idea what it costs to feed this thing? The animal shelters were getting suspicious. I needed these patties; my baby was hungry. I still remembered how I rescued her as a helpless egg about to find herself in an omelet for someone on an extreme paleo diet. Ugh. I didn’t want to do this. But, well, when in Rome…

I pull up to the pickup window, “This is a hamburglery, punk. Gimme the patties, now.”

He grimaced at my pun. “Ma’am, you seem confused. About a lot of things to be honest. Are you even a Ma’am? Cause you’re sounding more like a man’m with all this talk about gender– “

His screams filled the humid air as I chucked my alligator through the drive-thru window. Nothing like a scaly, prehistoric hunk of muscle and teeth to drive home a point. Me? Confused? Hah! As if. I’m the most… umm… where was I again? Shoot where’d my alligator go? I swear I’m always misplacing that thing.

Grabbing the unattended bag of takeout from the windowsill, I check that the order is right and took a sip of my drink. Pepsi. Literally undrinkable. This was the last straw. Society could kick rocks for all I cared. Where was that damn cashier? I had a complaint to file. Oh well.

All I ever wanted to do was play soccer. I lost my scholarship at the University of Florida (go Gators!) when I transitioned. I mean, I was forced to choose between doing what I loved, what I’d worked at for my whole life, or being able to live an authentic, happy life, being myself. Who was the real monster here?

Car horns blare, a man gets out and starts to approach me, before rushing back into the car at the sight of a blood-soaked alligator lumbering my way, pulling a red wagon stacked with frozen patties. Clever girl! I wipe her clean with a rag and load the patties into the back of the car. We drive off into the sunset like Bonny and Clyde, planning heists all up and down the East coast.

Let trans people play sports! Or else.