“Why are you so embarrassed? 
You’re so sexy.”

How do you explain to a man
that you’re not embarrassed,
but that you’ve been taught to be? 
That you have been engrained since childhood 
to feel uncomfortable with your body? 
to feel self-conscious?
to feel ashamed of showing it off?
to always hide it?
Sexy is inappropriate 
for a girl like me. 

How do you explain to a man
that if anyone were to find out 
your reputation would be destroyed?
Who would want to marry a girl like that?
“All boys want from you is…”
“You don’t let them touch you.”
Women are prized,
but at what cost?
When prudity is treasured
and virginity is winning the lottery. 
 
The guilt is always there in the back of my head,
a constant reminder of my shame,
of the lies I’ve told to protect myself,
as if no one else does the same. 
Because what if it got out. 
Stop. 
Stop. 
we have to stop. 
This is wrong.

Why do I feel this way?
Why is my body suddenly waking up?
Like a match that has just been struck
and ignited a flame within me. 
My whole life I’ve been suppressing
this urge
and now all I ever hear is the 
*boom boom*
heart beat between my legs. 
But I could never act on it,
my body doesn’t allow me to. 
It’s like I’m standing at the edge of a cliff,
but I just can’t bring myself to jump. 

I didn’t even want to. 
But you pushed
and pestered
and bothered.
So I said okay,
you can touch me here,
kiss me there. 
But don’t you ever dream of going there
with that. 
Only one man ever will. 

How do you explain to a man 
that you’ve always been taught to hide? 
To hide your feelings, 
to hide your problems, 
to hide your weaknesses. 
Down
Down
push it down
til you don’t know it exists either. 
This is what you’re taught
as a little girl
growing up in this Arabic Jewish world. 

“Don’t show too much”
“but show them enough to draw them in.”
“let them chase you,”
“but reel them in.”
“we know what kids do”
“we don’t do that”
“don’t let him do anything to you”
“good Jewish girls don’t do that”

Good thing I’m not a girl, 
I’m a woman!
Why aren’t men included?
Why do men get to go around
“for practice” with others,
because they know none of us would?
Why are their reputations still intact?
Why are we still marrying them?
Hypocrites!
And nobody says anything,
nobody does anything!
If virginity still exists,
then chivalry should too.

Want to ask me again
why I use my arms as a shield to cover my chest?
why I instinctively turn away from you
instead of towards your lips?
why I feel ashamed of being drawn to you?
why I’m in a constant state of depression
because I’m 20 and don’t have a ring on my finger?
It’s because I’m a virgin,
and that’s not going to change until
the glass breaks. 
That’s the culture.

~Dorette