As I curl my hair section by section, holding the iron long enough to solidify the shape I want to take form and slowly pull the iron away and let my hair fall, I think of you. 

I’m sorry. Because I feel that you’re the one. I know it is strange and I know it is quick, but I’ve never had a feeling this strong and true before that I was able to declare it so. And sometimes I think that I’m hallucinating. And sometimes I think that my mind has subconsciously idealized your person by inserting our relationship into the contexts of fairytales, romantic comedies, and Disney princess movies. But then I hear your words and there seems to be no other truths to imagine. “You make me so happy.” “I feel lucky that I found you.” “I want to hold you so badly right now.”

And yet here I am, applying my makeup by dabbing a light shade of eyeshadow to the inner half of my eyelid and a darker one as my brush moves farther away from my nose. And I don’t do all of this for you, but for another man. The guilt is eating me alive. It is all I seem to think about day and night, how it would pain you if you ever found out. But I have to do this for myself. So, if I can be this selfish, then what we have cannot be called love. Maybe on some level I am using this man to confirm to myself my strong affection for you. Or maybe it is because I know that you cannot offer me what I need. I need to listen to my heart, but I also need to think about my future. All I know is that one moment this other man did not stand a chance, and the next I ended up in this situation essentially cheating on two quality men though not actually committing to either.

It was different. He matched my mind on a different level than I know you could. Although I don’t know him, I know now that there is more to him than I initially gave him credit for. After all, I did give you a chance, and so I must do the same with him. It was unexpected and yet pleasant. But the real shock of it was when I came to realize that if I could easily connect with him too, then how was I to know that there was anything special about you?

I tie the laces of my bootie heels and stand up to admire my completed look in the mirror. The bangles on my wrist chime as I adjust my dress and run my fingers through my hair one last time. And all of our moments together come back to me. With every word, with every emotion, I feel myself sucked more and more into this vacuum that is you. I know I have to pull away. Just in case. Just in case the life I saw with you is really the one meant with him. Just in case my feelings for you were nothing more than figments of a childish imagination. And just in case you are too invested that it may shatter your heart all the more so. In all honesty I am trying, but it always seems as though somehow I keep diving in deeper. As if I’m digging my own grave of love and I don’t know how to regain control of myself or my situation. “I want it to be special for you.” “I like you too much.” “You are a princess to me.”

~Dorette