Inside the Shell

Cancún, Mexico

I’m swimming alone in an ocean of thoughts. Things happen and I feel absent as if I live my life as a spectator. My pain is foreign to me, although her embrace tortures me like my happiness, whose indifferent gaze is constant and penetrates me without spilling a drop of the crimson elixir that flows through my veins.

I don’t want to be described as a nihilist. It’s just that sometimes I can’t help but hide inside a shell to stop being for a while. A pause in the constant struggle to survive. A pause to the grief that with life marriage has from beginning to end. A pause for the simple fact that I need to breathe, to be free from myself, to find peace in the midst of so much chaos, to feel nothing for a moment.

I look at the sea from within my shelter. The waves in their hypnotizing sway go to the beat of the waltz of the butterflies, the wind expressing its freedom is whistling its wisdom, the water capturing the reflection of the sun in the twilight acts as the greatest natural mirror that also captures the moon reflecting an invitation for me to immerse myself in her melancholy.

Here, I feel the tranquility that a flower in the meadow feels, a bird feeding its young ones. I feel that I can come here and leave my identity hanging in the closet, until the next dawn when I have to return to the fight abandoning the rest inside the shell.