GIRLFACEDBOY

A NICKNAME RISEN IN FAMILIAR SMOKE. ITS SYNTAX SLUNG BLOCKS FROM THE COP CAR BURNING ON THE EDGE OF FORT GREENE PARK. I WATCH WHEELS RIP BESIDE THE FLESH POPS TAUGHT ME TO BREATHE AS FLUID. THE MANY PARTS OF ME SCARED THAT IF I CLOSE MY EYES HE’LL DISSOLVE TO ELEGY ALONGSIDE MY MOTHER. BROTHER. & GRANDMOTHER. OUR NEVERMINDS FOREVER PULLED INTO EXISTENCE. I WAS TOLD SPELLING IS A SPELL, ALWAYS AFRAID OF SPELLING OUT THE WRONG THING. OR SAYING TOO MUCH. MUST BE THE CLOSET-MENTALITY, THIS COUNTRY ANOTHER FRAME IN NEED OF FRESH HINGES. OUR POEMS POOLED PADLOCKS MISTAKEN FOR OPEN DIARIES. UNMARKED DECLARATIONS. SWOLLEN GRAVES. GIRLFACEDBOY: A NICKNAME GIVEN TO ME BY CNN. DON LEMON’S THAT AUNTIE WHO TAUGHT U ABOUT BOYS, THE PRISON-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX, & JEHOVAH ALL AT THE SAME BARBECUE. W/ SMOKE IN HER RIBS. IT HURTS TO BREATHE. TO PUSH URSELF OUTWARD. IT’S BEST TO SLEEP. DREAMS THAT DON’T CARE ABOUT UR SENSE OF SECURITY ARE JUST NIGHTMARES YELLING W/ A FATHER’S BASS. IT’S BEST TO WAKE. TO WATCH CITIES BLEED & BELLOW. TO WATCH STATUES BEHEADED IN FLAME. TO WATCH DOMINIQUE FELLS, BREONNA TAYLOR, TONY MCDADE, AHMAUD ARBERY, NINA POP, GEORGE FLOYD, RIAH MILTON (REPEAT) SLAIN WITH THE ALSO ALSO ALSO & & & HOW SOON SHOULD I CALCIFY AN ODE TO THE GRADUATION PORTRAIT BROADCASTED WEEKS AFTER I’M EVENTUALLY MURDERED BY POLICE? THEIR RUBBER BULLETS NEW WORLD WHIPS, CONSTANT REMINDERS OF HOW BAD AN IDEA AMERICA WILL ALWAYS PROVE TO BE. OUR HUMAN DRENCHED IN BLOOD MEMORY. REMEMBER THIS, GIRLFACEDBOY: A NICKNAME GIVEN TO ME BY JAMES BALDWIN WHILE AT THE SCHOMBURG. PEOPLE ARE TRAPPED IN HISTORY & HISTORY IS TRAPPED IN THEM, SO AM I MEANT TO REPEAT MYSELF? TRAUMA MUST BE GENERATIONAL. MY DAD & I MUST BE ON THE SAME MEDS. I MUST BE HEARING THE SAME VOICES AS MY GRANDMOTHER. IYANNA DIOR & I MUST KNUCKLE THE SAME METAL KEYS AT NIGHT. I DON’T BELIEVE IN COINCIDENCES. IF COINCIDENCES ARE IN THE BLOOD, SHOULD I GET A TRANSFUSION? WOULD THE NEEDLE’S PRICK BE DESTINY? WILL THE REVOLUTION BE COMMODIFIED? IS MY QUEER JUST ANOTHER DOLLAR SIGN TO U? WILL I BE USED FOR PROFIT, WRAPPED IN A BOX, BOUND IN A BESTSELLER, & SHIPPED TO MILLIONS? HAVE MY LIMBS BEEN LOOTED? SHOULD I WANT THEM BACK? IS MY USE MY DESTINY? USE ME, GIRLFACEDBOY: A NICKNAME GIVEN TO ME BY A CRUSH, A NEWFOUND BREATH OF FRESH AIR. I DREAM OF HIS LOVE GETTING JAMMED INTO MY GUMS & HIS TATTOOS GIVING ME A SUGAR RUSH THAT GOES STRAIGHT TO THE HEAD & THE SUGAR-COATED CIGARETTE TUCKED BEHIND HIS ZIPPER THROBBING DOWN MY THROAT THEN DOWN MY NECK THEN DOWN MY BACK THEN DOWN MY HOLE & YES, HIS CIGARETTE IS A GUN & YES, HIS STICKY LOVE WILL LEAVE ME W/ CAVITIES ON A DEATH BED RIGHT BEFORE I WAKE. MAYBE TODAY I’LL CONFESS TO HIM THAT I’M READY TO BE CRUSHED. GIRLFACEDBOY: A NICKNAME HUNG IN BLACK. HELD IN BURIAL. WISHING TO WRITE AN ENTIRE BOOK OF POEMS IN WHICH I COME HOME EVERY NIGHT. ALIVE & UNBOTHERED.

— QUENTIN FELTON