I search for meaning in almost everything.

I wouldn’t say that I didn’t see it coming. After all, I’ve analyzed literature for years – reviewed in for my blog, broke it down into bits and pieces for countless essays. I find myself still turning to Kundera’s The Unbearable Lightness of Being, hoping to find the balance between heaviness and light.

I’ve acquired knickknacks and the like (termed ‘junk’ by my family and friends), lining them up like photographs on display, in case I want to go down memory lane. A fluorescent ring from my first drag show. A ticket stub from a high school Halloween dance. A personally engraved letter from a former friend.

I brought a large backpack with two books, a traveling pillow, and my laptop with me on a two-and-a-half day trip to Boston. I’m filled with physical and emotional baggage.

So much for finding balance.

Social media brings out the worse in me. Every ‘seen’ and ‘read’ fills me with an undeniable sense of dread. We used to text for nine hours straight back in high school. Now I’m lucky to get more than a monosyllabic two word answer out of you. Or you’ll just ‘forget’ that we’ve had plans to hang out and you’ll apologize, but over text I fail to see any sincerity.

My friend Rokan tells me, over cans of beer, that I have to stop reading “too far into things.”

“It’ll work itself out,” she says, taking a swig of her drink. She likes to give advice inebriated.

But I’m still a walking Kundera quote book. “Happiness is the longing of repetition.” Where is my repetition? Gone are the days of studying profusely for chemistry exams at our special table in the corner of the library basement. Gone are the nights we spent stress eating at Popeyes’. Gone is the continual beep-beep of our Facebook group chat. Gone is the sense of consistency.

For once, I’m a bit tired of reading, fixating too hard on either the past or future, but never the present. It’s my last semester of college. I’m letting the days fly by, without any good memories attached to them.

My father always told me, “Time is gold.” He delivered this line when I sunk into one of my video game binges, but the adage seeps into my final semester.

I may not be able to turn back time, but I’ve been working with what I’ve been given, making my last few weeks fulfilling.

I’ve been enjoying weekly Board Game Nights. The more I say I’m bad at a game, the better I am at it. So for now, I’ve dubbed myself “Scrabble Queen.” Did you know that “za” is a word, according to the Scrabble dictionary?

I’ve been dancing incessantly, now able to sashay and sway to Shakira’s songs. I guess this means my hips don’t lie.

I’ve realized my ability in editorial design. Just hoping someone would hire me to work on their literary magazine…

And most importantly, I’ve been smiling and laughing. “You look really happy lately,” remarked my friend Jolene, as we sat on the floor of her new apartment, eating $2 tacos, right before we started setting up her new bed frame. I know I finally am, because even the two-hour commute home from her place couldn’t phase me.

I used to be so obsessed with skipping to the end of a book, so interested in examining the potential ‘what ifs’. It’s about time I focus on reading the current page in front of me.

Happy summer everyone!

-Raisa Alexis Santos