The author of this post tethers between two extremes when it comes to opening up about herself. She’ll either allude to her personal life through an extremely metaphorical work of fiction or poetry (in which only those closest to her would understand what she was talking about), or she’ll have one drink (oftentimes a non-alcoholic one) and be vocally open about the details of the past few months to a person she’s catching up with over ramen. There rarely is an in-between when it comes to being personal, but this author will attempt to give it a shot.

Everyone’s childhood had that one definable television show that withstood the test of time and stood out forever in their memories. For most people, that was Friends. I hear Friends references left and right, and to this day, I do not know who Joey and Chandler and Monica are.

I do, however, know who the Golden Girls are. This isn’t really a Currently Watching, because I’ve found myself relating to each of the characters at some point in my life. I can attribute many aspects of myself to the literature I’ve read and loved, but my formulative years also consisted of this show. For most of my angsty teen years I was sarcastic Dorothy with a hint of Sophia. I have yet to reach the stage where I’m completely comfortable with myself, turning into the sensual, confident Blanche, but for now, I’m Rose.

In this episode, Rose is trying to figure out why one of her coworkers doesn’t like her, because to her knowledge, everyone likes her because she’s the ‘nice’ one! Now she wants to work even harder to become his friend, at the expense of them both.

I’ve done this at a subconscious level – assume that everyone likes me and that I can become friends with everyone and anyone. I’m slowly reverting back into my extroverted self, needing to be around people in order to feel energized. In my naïveté I believed it would be easy to make and keep friends. But the need to be friends with everyone comes with its obstacles. There’s the obvious question, which is Rose’s case: does the person even want to reciprocate your friendship? But there’s also another question – is this friendship even worth your time?

I’ve been lucky so far, finding a majority of people who do genuinely want my friendship. A good friendship is something that is uplifting to both parties, surpassing all problems that may come. It should be give-and-take, a balance of interests and needs. But everything isn’t so black and white. What could be a good thing at first could slowly shift into a not-so good thing, like having too much cake at a birthday party or binging on Halloween candy.

Sometimes it can even be draining when your friend ends up being a difficult person, because you just want to try your hardest to help them. In the end I’ve realized that I am not in charge of micromanaging each person’s happiness. If I’m always the one giving up my time and attention, should I not expect the same when it comes to expressing my needs? Or even the slightest bit of human decency?

Why then, do I sometimes continue friendships that aren’t always good for me? It boils down to being Rose again.

I wasn’t raised in an orphanage like Rose, but I too have the desire to be liked (just like many others). I was lonely for most of elementary and middle school until I found my first best friend (who still is my best friend, twelve/thirteen years later). But should my desire to be liked triumph over my own self care? Rose went above and beyond for a coworker who didn’t even reciprocate her kindness, when her true friends were with her all along. We go out of our way for people who don’t deserve it, for people who take advantage of us, and we neglect our own needs and our own true, good friends.

Surrounding myself with negative people who bring me down instead of up, who refuse to listen or communicate or take others’ feelings into consideration, aren’t people who need to like me. Writing that down is the easy part, but accepting it and following through is the actual work.

In spite of it all, I’m still like Rose, hoping to have lasting friendships, people I could call my golden girls.

-Raisa Alexis Santos