I Do
In my early years, I never really understood what hate was
I knew when I disliked something or someone, but I never knew what qualified as being labeled “hate”
Even in my adulthood, I still lacked clarity of the word
Until my wedding day
——
I knew what hate was as I stood there
In my beautiful lace white dress
With my hair as free as my heart
With my eyes plaited in gold eyeshadow
With my lips shaded in a deep brown
With an ocean of faces shining smiles of anticipation
With parents and their high chins of admiration
With my heart pumping as I gamble with my freedom
I’m losing myself but it’s worth it
Then the time goes by
10 minutes late
Okay, that’s not so bad
30 minutes late
Okay, he’ll be here any moment now
1 hour late
Smiles are fading
My cheeks are aching from pretending to be happy
My foundation is starting to crease
My laughter lines are bulging
But I’m not laughing
——
People start to walk out
“Black people are never on time,” they mutter
“I only came for the food,” they hiss
“What happened to her hair? She’s never heard of a flat iron, or a perm relaxer? No wonder he didn’t come!”
——
The vipers exit, but I’m still there
Wondering
Hoping
That he would be the next face that I see
But I would have sooner died with that hope than watch it bloom into reality
Because he never came
And I realized I’d been a fool to believe a heartbroken man could ever love again
That’s when I knew what hate was
It’s that implantation that’s so deep that you revolt on innocent hearts
It’s purposely seeking wounds in order to increase their diameter
It’s premeditated murder of childhood desires
It’s saying the truth so blatantly that you almost seem like a liar
“I hate you”
I thought you really meant I love you
Like how people joke around and say
“You’re so ugly” to their friend, but they really don’t mean it… do they?
—–
I never found out what happened
Why he didn’t come
I never saw him again
Until the funeral
Where I watched as the vipers came to weep at his casket
As stiff arms patted my back in condolence
“Sorry for your loss”
What have I lost?
My blank expression hurries them out of my presence
——
On my wedding day, I knew what hate was
I knew he hated me
He had to
At least that’s what I tell myself
After all, it’s easier to lose someone who hates you instead of someone who loves you
Life is all about coping mechanisms anyway
So I’ll keep reminding myself that I hate you, but I really don’t mean that… do I?
***********
-Fortunate Ekwuruke