Daily Recipe

For this recipe, you’ll need one girl, aged approximately twenty-one years. You’ll need to season her with body insecurity, stress, and just a sprinkle of depression. Tenderizing the meat on a daily basis is recommended; we suggest using a full school schedule, the responsibility of two toddlers, and the threat of an uncertain future.

Once the meat is seasoned and tenderized, you’re ready to cook. Boil the girl for approximately thirty minutes at 105 degrees, just enough to mildly scald her skin and wake her up. This process won’t make her fully ready for the rest of the recipe, but it’ll do.

Next, you’ll want to dress it in disposable clothes, makeup she can’t afford, and just a little bit of olive oil. Pro Tip: don’t be afraid to really lather on that makeup, it’ll help with the cooking process later and prevent the other meats from asking her why she looks so tired.

Now, she’s all ready to go into the oven. Pop her in there for 8-10 hours and let the heat surrounding her cook her from the inside out, solidifying her insides and skin until she becomes so tough that you’d need a knife to cut through her.

Next, take her out of the oven and let her cool for a bit. She needs to let the heat release from her body and skin to prepare for the last part of the recipe. Now, it’s time to add the wine- red preferably- usually about 1/2 to 2/3 of a bottle will suffice. This is a very important step. Do Not. Forget. The Wine. It’s cool, she’s twenty-one. She spent a long time in that oven and that wine will help to re-hydrate the parts that got dried out.

Next, you’re going to want to stuff the meat with as much other ingredients as possible, until no more will fit. It can really be anything- pizza, pasta, baked potatoes, literally anything with old bay seasoning on it. You’ll know when it’s full when it starts moaning at you and needs to lie down.

Finally, the last step is to throw out the whole dish and start again in the morning.

Happy Cooking!

 

-Marie Pruitt