Guys, I have been illuminated.
Again.
And this time it’s the realization that I will be okay. I will be okay.
I saw a video recently, which I cannot find now, in which a guy talked about the Japanese art of kintsukuroi (Golden Repair). I had the pleasure of reading about this thanks to a past intern who talked about it in one of his beautiful posts. Essentially, kintsukuroi is the art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer made of gold or silver. The philosophy behind it, according to Christian and the guy from the video, is that even though the pottery is broken, it does not mean that it should be forgotten or discarded. The gold highlights that its broken in an exquisite way, repairing its use and its beauty. These golden scars show that the pottery went through a tough time, but that it survived and it’s all the more beautiful because of it.
As I went through my past journals to see what I felt before going to college, I noticed that I constantly wrote about how nervous and excited I was. I missed my friends and family so much, and I was worried that I had made the wrong choice. But I was also excited to start this new chapter of my life. I wanted to make new friends, to start learning and writing, to have that American college experience I would often see on TV. However, my first year in Brooklyn College was tough, the toughest of my life to date. Not only was I in a new country, in a new school, in a new way of life that was difficult for me to adjust to, but also something, which I still have a hard time talking about, shattered me. I mentally and physically felt like I had burst into a million pieces — my past self scattered on the floor like broken pottery.
During that time, I became numb. I didn’t know how to pick myself up again. I didn’t know how to reach out to people, how to start forgiving myself, how to continue on. While I loved my mom for talking to me and my brothers for hugging me, I knew I needed something more; I went to the Brooklyn College Health Clinic and they took me to the Personal Counseling office. I was ambivalent at first because I had an awful experience with a psychologist in Argentina, but I was really well taken care of. The people that counsel you are usually psychology graduate students. Because of this, you have a limited number of sessions with them, since they are not legally allowed to be counselors just yet. I had a student named Farsana and with her I felt like I was gluing myself back together. While the sessions were few, they were powerful and helped me through so much.
The toughest thing to do is to forgive myself. Sometimes, I still have a hard time doing it. I have to remind myself that my mistakes have made me the person that I am today. That, yes, there is a clear before and after in my life, but that the golden scars that glued myself together are as important as when I was “whole.” In fact, I’m all the more resilient because of it, and ready for whatever comes ahead because I know that I will end up okay.
I can’t believe that I am graduating soon. I might not have had the college experience that I imagined when I first began, but that does not mean that I regret coming here. In fact, I am so grateful. I’ve been able to meet amazing, talented people, to work in a challenging yet fulfilling environments, to visit France, to learn with brilliant professors, to grow. It hasn’t always been perfect, but that’s okay.
I have no idea what is going to happen in the next chapter of my life. But one thing I am certain of is that I will be okay. You will be okay.
Stay illuminated,
Alana
The Junction Journal 